Yesterday I was having a play fight and someone I care about quite a bit saw my most recent wounds after they managed to take off my shoes (which was the aim I think). They knew that I recently had reverted back to old ways but I have never felt so guilty about anything after seeing the pain in their face and the dreaded: “Please tell me that’s not from the other night. What have you done to yourself? That’s so much worse than I thought.”
I just wanted to cry right then. I felt like I really hurt them. I felt sick to my stomach for even having thought about doing it.
It makes me feel sicker that I’m sitting here tonight contemplating the same thing not even 48 hours later.
So here I am again, laying in bed as my brothers go to school. Honestly I just can’t be bothered with today. That’s it. I just can’t be bothered. I feel sick and I’m scared. I need a break from everything that’s been happening. I need to be able to go home and sleep and not have to worry about all the stuff that’s going on in my life. I need to just rest, relax. I need a break from life. I’m under a lot of pressure and it’s starting to come down on me. I’m sure I can pick myself up against, just not today. Today I’m staying home. Today I’m not going to move. Today, I relax.
My best friend is gone on camp. And everyone else there doesn’t like me. Ill stay home and do my work. Draw for my IT assignment, study for my drama task. Just not be in a social setting. Damn I’m so done. I need to recharge. Okay guys. Off to sleep again. Byes
This is my ear. I have 4 piercings on this ear (3 lobe – one is hidden- and a forward helix). As you can see, one of my lobe piercings are stretched. Lately my Mum’s been getting into the whole “you’re never going to be successful with body modifications” state of mind.
I have piercings. I have body modifications. I am a hard worker, have maintained my job for the last 2 years- including earing a pay rise, a B+/A- student, a school leader and am respected by my peers. Just because I have a few modifications, does not mean that I am going to be unsuccessful. silly woman.
The more I modify the way I look, the happier I notice I am. 5 lone piercings (1 set stretched), a smilie piercing, and now a forward helix piercing. I dye and colour and bleach my hair constantly. I’m finally getting happy with my appearance on occasions. Which is good, but still. I must change who I am in order to feel content- it’s worrying because I thought I’d stopped hating myself- maybe not. Maybe I’ve just found a way to delay it.
It’s 3am and I haven’t slept a wink. I have to be up for work in 3 and a half hours and I don’t know what to do. I’m going to be so tired and yet I can’t sleep.
What’s stopping me? Is it me constant fear because I’m home alone and I’m scared of what might happen? Or is it because I’d rather stay up on the internet than face my own sick mind? I just don’t know. I don’t know what to think.
I can feel it though. Slowly taking me to sleep. Slowly slipping into the cracks of a rebellious and disgusting mind- one noone should have to hear about, nor see.
But as it starts to take me, I won’t fight. I won’t fight at alll
Today I went to an under 18s concert. I saw amazing bands, I had an incredible time. So why do I still want to die- possibly more than ever. I have no one to talk to either and I just don’t want to die. I’m so over having to do this whole life thing. It’s tiring and I hate it. I’m ready to give up again. I’m so done.
My minds weaving at 600 miles and hour. Its 8am. I’ve been up since 6 after having a 14 hour sleep. Yeah. 14 hours. I’ve never slept that long ever in my entire life. I guess thats what I get for getting a regular pattern of 3 – 5 hours sleep each night. I’m so busy all the time and I’m just trying to keep it together. Fortunately at the moment I’m on school holidays, but even that won’t last forever. My life is so packed. My regular day consists of
6:30 – 7:00; Wake up (depending on what I have to do that day) 7:00 – 8:00; Quick internet check and get ready for school (except Thursdays- I’m already cooking breakfast for the retirement village by 7:00 then) 8:00 – 3:00; School 3:30 – 6:30; Snack and afternoon activities (whether thats work, school commitments or orchestra) 6:30 – 9:30; School work / driving lessons (with Dad) 9:30; Dinner 10:00 – morning; Finish up school work / Free time (TV, Sleep, Internet, Music Practise)
I have so much to do. I start early and finish late. I can’t wait to graduate. Just 20 months. 20 months and I can breathe again and focus on earning a little money, going to America, earning more money, moving to Brisbane and starting University. Yes.
When we are little, we are told stories and myths- legends even. Some teach us life lessons and others just give us hope.
“Icarus” was always one that I liked. You know that one about the two prisoners (father and son) who create wings out of wax and feathers to escape? “Don’t fly too close to the sun or your wings will melt and you will fall and die”. Then he flies to close and well, we all know what follows.
Last year in Drama we did a play on a boy that goes camping and gets really drunk with some friends. They talk about how everything is going so great and he’s so confident and he’s so great- but a little depressed because he feels like his Dad doesn’t care. When they’re out there, he is dared to climb the water tower. This is late at night of course. When he does, he feels like the alcohol as almost given him wings and he ‘tries to fly’. He jumps.
The myth reflects it I think. You get so high and then you plummet. I find the worst time is at night when you’re alone and no one is there to help you or guide you. You’re alone out there and no-one’s there to keep you entertained and happy- or safe. So many times its been late at night and I’ve sat here just down. Down and out. Just wanting someone to show up, climb into my bed, keep me warm and tell me that it really will be okay because so far, I just don’t know how.
depression; (n.) 1; Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. 2;A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.
It technically sounds so terrifying but the truth is I’ve lived with it since I was about 10, or so my therapist thinks. I’m 16. It’s always been dismissed as just another one of those things. Just a thing to swipe away like nothing ever happened. But the truth is its not.
I’ve been doing so well lately. I hadn’t self harmed in a a few weeks, and I didn’t feel the urge to drink every weekend just to make myself numb. But I know how it works. You start to get happy then you just fall. You trip and you fall. And you don’t stop falling till you nearly hit rock bottom again. And thats where I am now. After almost being sent to the hospital for stitches a few weeks ago, its just not getting better. Not yet.
I feel like everyone hates me- including myself. I hate my appearance and I hate my personality and I hate my constant need to feel wanted and like someone needs me alive cause thats all that is keeping me alive- everyone else. I can’t see the point in being here if I’m not happy or wanted, and right now I’m neither. Not happy or wanted or content.
My hairs a mess, I feel fat and disgusting. I’m slipping back to old habits like drinking. Just enough to make my head a little quieter and the thoughts a little better. I see myself as a talentless piece of shit- so why doesn’t everyone else?
I’m so unhappy yet everyones so happy with me? “If I could do half the things you do” “Wow you’re so great at that” “I’m so glad you got picked for that scholarship” “You’re going to be a great leader”. I just don’t know. Nothing I do is good enough for me. I just want to give up and start again. Try something else that isn’t this cause this isn’t working.