Trip and Fall

depression; (n.)
1; Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
2;A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life.

It technically sounds so terrifying but the truth is I’ve lived with it since I was about 10, or so my therapist thinks. I’m 16. It’s always been dismissed as just another one of those things. Just a thing to swipe away like nothing ever happened. But the truth is its not.

I’ve been doing so well lately. I hadn’t self harmed in a a few weeks, and I didn’t feel the urge to drink every weekend just to make myself numb. But I know how it works. You start to get happy then you just fall. You trip and you fall. And you don’t stop falling till you nearly hit rock bottom again. And thats where I am now. After almost being sent to the hospital for stitches a few weeks ago, its just not getting better. Not yet. 

I feel like everyone hates me- including myself. I hate my appearance and I hate my personality and I hate my constant need to feel wanted and like someone needs me alive cause thats all that is keeping me alive- everyone else. I can’t see the point in being here if I’m not happy or wanted, and right now I’m neither. Not happy or wanted or content. 

My hairs a mess, I feel fat and disgusting. I’m slipping back to old habits like drinking. Just enough to make my head a little quieter and the thoughts a little better. I see myself as a talentless piece of shit- so why doesn’t everyone else? 

I’m so unhappy yet everyones so happy with me? “If I could do half the things you do” “Wow you’re so great at that” “I’m so glad you got picked for that scholarship” “You’re going to be a great leader”. I just don’t know. Nothing I do is good enough for me. I just want to give up and start again. Try something else that isn’t this cause this isn’t working.

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